How Nice People Can Master Conflict (Travis Bradberry)

How Nice People Can Master Conflict

Published on March 20, 2016

Dr. Travis Bradberry

When you’re a nice person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better at conflict; they just enjoy it more. New research from Columbia University shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen firsthand—people who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.

The secret to effective handling of conflict is assertiveness—that delicate place where you get your needs met without bullying the other person into submission. Assertive people strike a careful balance between passivity and aggression (that is, they never lean too far in either direction).

How To Handle Conflict Assertively

It’s easy to think that nice people are too passive. While that’s often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.

To be assertive, you need to learn to engage in healthy conflict. Healthy conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow will get you there.

Consider the repercussions of silence. Sometimes it’s hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully consider the costs of not speaking up—they’re typically far greater than not standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.

Say “and” instead of “but.” The simple act of replacing the word “but” with “and” makes conflict much more constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but you’re worried that doing so won’t leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of saying, “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we need to make a new hire,” say “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.” The difference is subtle, but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens things up for discussion. Saying “and” makes the other party feel like you’re working with them, rather than against them.

Use hypotheticals. When you assert yourself, you don’t want it to look like you’re poking holes in their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this off. Telling someone, for example, “Your new product idea won’t work because you overlooked how the sales team operates” comes across much more aggressively than suggesting the hypothetical, “How do you think our sales team will go about selling this new product?” When you see a flaw and present a hypothetical, you’re engaging with the original idea and giving the other party a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that you’re willing to hear the other person out.

Don’t speak in absolutes (“You Always” or “You Never.”) No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to your message. Instead, point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”

Ask good questions until you get to the heart of the matter. Failing to understand the motive behind someone’s behavior throws fuel on the fire of conflict, because it makes everything they do appear foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions, such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by that? and Can you help me to understand this better? Even when you don’t see eye to eye, using questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both of which are conflict killers.

When you challenge, offer solutions. People don’t like it when they feel as if you’re attempting to take apart their idea right off the bat. When you challenge someone’s idea, but also offer a solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix. This reinforces the value of their idea, even if it’s full of holes. For example, you might say “One potential problem that I see with your idea is ___. However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way to___.” In this example, you aren’t even providing the solution. You’re just acknowledging that you’re willing to work together to find one.

Emotional Intelligence Can Boost Your Career & Save Your Life (by Travis Bradberry)

There is a time in the life of every predicament where it is ripe for resolution. Emotions provide the cue to act when a problem is big enough to see, yet still small enough to solve. By understanding your emotions, you can move adeptly through your current challenges and prevent future ones.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions that achieve positive results. Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.

Emotional Intelligence Can Make Your Career

Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. It’s a powerful way to focus your energy in one direction with a tremendous result. TalentSmart tested emotional intelligence alongside 33 other important workplace skills, and found that emotional intelligence is the strongest predictor of performance, explaining a full 58% of success in all types of jobs.

Of all the people we’ve studied at work, we've found that 90% of top performers are also high in emotional intelligence. On the flip side, just 20% of bottom performers are high in emotional intelligence. You can be a top performer without emotional intelligence, but the chances are slim.

Naturally, people with a high degree of emotional intelligence make more money—an average of $29,000 more per year than people with a low degree of emotional intelligence. The link between emotional intelligence and earnings is so direct that every point increase in emotional intelligence adds $1,300 to an annual salary. These findings hold true for people in all industries, at all levels, in every region of the world. We haven’t yet been able to find a job in which performance and pay aren’t tied closely to emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence Can Save Your Life

When you stuff your feelings, they quickly build into the uncomfortable sensations of tension, stress, and anxiety. Unaddressed emotions strain the mind and body. Your emotional intelligence skills help make stress more manageable by enabling you to spot and tackle tough situations before things escalate.

People who fail to use their emotional intelligence skills are more likely to turn to other, less effective means of managing their mood. They are twice as likely to experience anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even thoughts of suicide.

Scores of research studies have come forth linking emotional intelligence and susceptibility to disease. Stress, anxiety, and depression suppress the immune system, creating a vulnerability to everything from the common cold to cancer. The potency of your immune system is tied to your emotional state via neuropeptides: complex chemicals that act as messengers between the mind and body. When your mind is flooded with tension or distress, it signals the body to decrease energy directed towards fighting disease. This change increases your vulnerability to an attack.

Research even shows a definitive link between emotional distress and serious forms of illness, such as cancer. One of the first long-term studies measured women’s stress levels over a 24-year period. Researchers tracked the degree to which each woman experienced tension, fear, anxiety, and sleep disturbances─all forms of emotional distress resulting from unresolved conflict and unmanaged emotion. Women who experienced higher levels of stress during this 24-year period were twice as likely to develop breast cancer.

Emotional intelligence skills can also be taught to speed the body’s recovery from disease. People who develop their emotional intelligence skills during treatment recover faster from a variety of ailments, including the two biggest killers in America─heart disease and cancer. Teaching emotional intelligence skills to people with life-threatening illnesses has been shown to reduce the rate of recurrence, shrink recovery times, and lower death rates.

Researchers at Ohio State University studied 227 women diagnosed with breast cancer and saw remarkable effects from teaching emotional intelligence skills during recovery. Women who were randomly assigned to this treatment had reduced levels of stress, kept a better diet, and built stronger immune systems. Research presented to the American Heart Association revealed a similar outcome for men and women taught emotional intelligence skills while recovering from a heart attack.

Emotional intelligence has a strong influence on health-related outcomes because it reduces the perception of stress in response to trying situations. Emotional intelligence skills strengthen your brain’s ability to cope with emotional distress. This resilience keeps your immune system strong and protects you from disease.

Bringing It All Together

It's nice to know that working on your EQ can have benefits in some of the most important areas of your life. A healthy career and a healthy body ticks a couple of very important boxes.

Discussion, Debate & Dialogue: So Many Ways To Communicate, So Little Understanding

Is it dialogue, discussion, or is it debate? There is a difference, and each has its own value. Do you know the difference? Would you recognize dialogue if you heard it in your workplace?

To guide you through this question I would first like to distinguish dialogue from the other common forms of communication—debate and discussion. Debate is combative and seeks to be victorious; it wants to express itself and say it is better than you. Discussion can be described as debate trying to play nice. Much like debate, it is interested in advocating its view points and challenging those of others.

Dialogue, on the other hand, seeks to find a shared connection. It is not concerned with winning or losing, rather it aspires to listen more deeply, understand more fully, and build a collective point of view. When the diversity of personality and opinion present moments of conflict and tension, dialogue steps in and mediates the conversation back to a renewed sense of connection.

A great workplace fosters dialogue and encourages a diverse perspective. After all, these are the very elements that lead to growth and innovation. The issue being raised here today rests in the assumption that dialogue is rather anemic in organizations, and I would contend that if it is practiced so little, it is because it is understood so little. Let’s explore some of the principles that make dialogue so valuable in a workplace. As one engages in dialogue, it is asked that they:

-Suspend Judgment

-Listen

-Inquire

-Explore Assumptions

When we suspend our judgment, we temporarily silence our thoughts and open our capacity to engage as listeners. Greater inquiry into others' viewpoints help us better understand those we work alongside and affords us the opportunity to adopt new ways of thinking. When we explore our assumptions, we encounter unchallenged ideas, unchecked biases, and patterns of thought that influence, and possibly inhibit, our workplace engagement.

Dialogue is also, however, a very challenging undertaking. Becoming aware of personal assumptions is tough work. It places us in a position of measuring the consistency between our words and our actions, and realizing that their alignment may not be as linear as we believe. Inevitably, the practice of dialogue asks us to consider that our opinions are not always correct, and that, in fact, others may have more effective methods for approaching situations. Doing this is neither natural nor cathartic, but growth is rarely comforting.

So, I will ask again, would you recognize dialogue if you heard it?

Joseph Alonzo recently graduated Saybrook University with a Master's degree in Organizational Development and is a guest blogger for Great Place to Work®.

Read Joseph's follow up blog on Cultural Patterns of Communication, a model for increasing dialogue in any workplace culture.

What could possibly go wrong?

Yesterday, we made a pretty good list of factors that interrupt effective communication. Here is the list we came up with as a group:

pre-judgment (deciding too early - on the message, on the intent, on the course of action, what you're going to say, etc.)
being closed off/defensive/disengaged in general
language barriers (including differing accents/dialects)
cultural barriers
non-verbals such as facial expressions, tone of voice, body language
speaker is unclear what he/she means to express (not explaining clearly, muddled thinking)
humor or using sarcasm
distractions including own emotions, technology, looming deadlines, higher priorities
speed at which someone speaks or rambles
speaker & audience have mismatched skill-level/comprehension level
competing interests - want two opposing things so send mixed signals
making assumptions (that don't match true intention or need)
gender differences
generational differences
differing expectations from communication (expect resolution now, want to delay decision)
speaker or receiver's mood
trust level
history of conflict in the relationship
different values (M.O.) - including disinterest in the subject in one or the other parties
MATURITY

With so many barriers, it is a wonder that we understand each other at all! What could possibly go wrong.

Effective Communication (Day 5)

The interaction depicted in 2 Samuel 12:1-13 is how Nathan addressed a delicate, yet critical behavioral issue with his friend David.  As you read the story, you will observe Nathan's tact mixed with bold directness.  The confrontation/restoration process is delicate and one many of us shy-away from if not completely ignore.

Read the story again - or for the first time:
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Samuel%2012

There are consequences for leaders that have been entrusted with responsibility that do not steward it well.  And leaders are well-served by having truth-tellers, versus yes-men around them.  A humble leader allows his trusted advisors to speak boldly - and they respond with humility.  The best communication experiences take place with both sender and receiver do their part.

Effective Communication (Day 4)

"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." Luke 6:45   (for other translations: http://biblehub.com/luke/6-45.htm)

This Scripture makes us take a long, honest look at an undeniable truth: what we say is a result of what we think.  No one can hear our thoughts, but they might as well have that ability, too.  We reveal what we are thinking about by the words we speak, attitudes we project and actions that we take. We cannot conceal our thought life, as much as we might want to think that we can.

If we thought about the fact that our hearts would be revealed to the public, would we be more diligent at keeping our thoughts clean, edifying, hope-filled and life-giving?  This serves us well - and others. 

Effective Communication (Day 3)

God uses a variety of means to communicate with His people. The Old Testament records many times in which He speaks through his prophets, dreams, visions, nature, circumstances, symbols, even those opposed to His message and a donkey! (Numbers 22:21...) He speaks to us in present day through some of these same ways, plus the Bible and the Holy Spirit.

Leaders also have a variety of means of communicating with those whom they have been entrusted to lead - personal one-on-one conversations, team meetings, policies and procedures, job descriptions, technology, and print materials. Non-verbals also communicate messages through tone of voice and facial expressions, even dress and behavioral habits.

Psalm 19 tells us that God constantly communicates.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.
3 They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.
4 Yet their voice[b] goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.

Think about the ways you are communicating your thoughts and feelings to others.  Are these the messages you intend to send? Repetition is the mother of all learning and we need all the tools available to us to hit home our most important messages.  With a little intentionality, leaders can effectively increase understanding through a variety of ways. 

Effective Communication (Day 2)

(DAY 2) Because we have been created in the likeness of God, we are personal, relational, communicating beings.  The issue is not whether we will communicate, but how effective and appropriate our communication will be.  Our speech can be a source of blessing or injury to others.

James 3:1 - 18 considers the significance of the words we speak:

"Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life,[a] and set on fire by hell.[b] 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers,[c] these things ought not to be so.11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water?12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

James is the wisdom book of the New Testament, and like the book of Proverbs, it says a great deal about the words we speak.  Chapter 3 underscores much of what we already know through long and painful experience: The tongue seems to be more difficult to bring under control than any other part of our being.  Our speech is not neutral territory; it is informed and shaped by our character.  The art of listening well and speaking in appropriate ways may not always be taught at home, in the classroom, or at work, but these social skills are nevertheless essential to effective leadership.

Jesus also shared, "“For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit,44 for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. 45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:43-45

Both James and Jesus teach us that communication is as much an issue of character, as it is a skill.

Boa, Bizzell & Perkins (2007). Handbook to Leadership. Atlanta, GA: Trinity House Publishers

Effective Communication (Day 1)

Hi CKP's ~ We are barreling down the last stretch of ELI Vision & Voice for the year and we have only two more EQ skills to examine in our study of the pillars of leadership.  Our next EQ Skill is "Communication" (no small topic, eh?) 

For the next couple of weeks, I am going to send out a daily reflection on communication from a Biblical perspective to see what we can glean from the Scriptures.  Feel free to respond to any of these posts that particularly catch your interest.

(Day 1) Proverbs 18:13 "To answer before listening - that is folly and shame." NIV
http://biblehub.com/proverbs/18-13.htm (for those of you who would like to read the other translations)

'In his famous prayer, St. Francis of Assisi asked God to help him to "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.

Actually, the book of Proverbs offered identical advice ages before St. Francis penned this prayer.  In Proverbs 19:13 we read that it is foolish to answer before listening.  Early in this same chapter, Solomon offers a pointed evaluation of those who would rather talk than listen, stating that a fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in letting everyone know his opinion (Prov. 18:2).

No leader who cannot communicate can lead well and long.  Most leaders spend vast amounts of time and energy developing other skills, such as long-term planning, time management and public speaking.  But what about taking time to develop the skill of listening?  Those who wish to be good leaders will develop this skill.  They'll practice such techniques as maintaining eye contact and rephrasing what they hear to be certain that they have understood correctly.

Closely tied in with the skill of listening is the ability to express oneself in a nonabrasive and affirming manner, because reckless words are hurtful, but words of wisdom bring healing (Prov. 12:18).  Wise leaders think before they speak; in so doing, they select words that nurture rather than destroy.  When faced with hostility, they speak gently in order to subdue anger rather than stoke it (Prov. 15:1).

Your ability to communicate (and the degree) will either evoke trust or distrust in those you lead.  It will instill either confidence or fear.  It will determine to a large extent how eagerly your followers will follow you.  How would those you lead evaluate your listening skills?' What one thing could you do to strengthen your ability to really hear others?

Boa, Bizzell & Perkins (2007). Handbook to Leadership. Atlanta, GA: Trinity House Publishers

The Hazards of Unresolved Conflict

Hey All, I am hoping you all have taken some time to look over your MBTI supplemental reports on resolving conflict.  A couple of you have taken the Thomas-Kilman Conflict Resolution Style inventory. That is still available to whomever wants it.  Here are some notes from our last meeting on resolving conflict:

Whose responsibility is it to address conflict?   Everyone's.
Who typically does: No one.

What are the hazards of allowing conflict to go unaddressed? Here is what you all came up with:

1) Animosity that festers
2) Explosion (Aggression) or Passive-Agression (Hidden Aggression)
3) The issue grows in magnitude (from molehill to mountain)
4) It becomes irresolvable
5) Broken trust (which has a cascading effect)
6) Broken respect (each of which lead to lack of productivity)
7) Lost time
8) Lack of teamwork
9) Lack of individual engagement
10) Resentment

Why Embrace Confrontation

Sometimes we have to confront an underlying issue before a conflict can be resolved. For most people, this is an unappealing prospect. Here are a few thoughts on the reasons why to confront:

1)    Confrontation is an act of caring – the confronter refuses to let the person walk blindly toward a cliff

2)    Confrontation is a responsibility – leaders and love are required to act in the others’ best interest by virtue of their commitment to the good of the whole group

3)    Confrontation puts limits on the relationship – this communicates clearly that we reject something of the other person’s behavior which can be scary or hurtful.  It is necessary to teach others how to treat us. 

4)    Confrontation must be an act of integrity – question your motives: am I doing this out of anger or love?

5)    Confrontation seeks to help others understand themselves better – people don’t always see themselves clearly and we can help be a mirror and we should all be so lucky to have such a friend.

6)    Confrontation must be done with care and flexibility – People can be fragile – carefully choose whether you will be direct or indirect, confront now or later, whether to be gentle or tough. Also, be prepared to recognize you might have misunderstood something of the situation.

7)    Confrontation is an act of courage – it may strain the relationship for a time.  The confronter may be ignored, rebuffed or retaliated against. You are accepting that risk.

8)    Confrontation is an investment in the future – you are opening up possibilities in the relationship in the future, you’re building trust as a courageous friend, fear only paints yourself into a corner.

9)    Confrontation is an act of optimism – confrontation paints a picture of a bright life ahead where we each are able to grow beyond our own weaknesses, blind-spots and failures.