What Genuinely Confident People Do Differently by Travis Bradberry

Travis Bradberry is a contemporary authority on Emotional Intelligence. He has this to say about self-confidence which I thought you all might enjoy:

True confidence—as opposed to the false confidence people project to mask their insecurities—has a look all its own. One thing is certain: truly confident people always have the upper hand over the doubtful and the skittish because they inspire others and they make things happen.Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right. - Henry FordFord’s notion that your mentality has a powerful effect on your ability to succeed is seen in the results of a recent study at the University of Melbourne that showed that confident people earn higher wages and get promoted more quickly than anyone else.

Indeed, confident people have a profound impact on everyone they encounter. Yet, they achieve this only because they exert so much influence inside, on themselves.We see only their outside. We see them innovate, speak their mind, and propel themselves forward toward bigger and better things.And, yet, we’re missing the best part.  We don't see the habits they develop to become so confident. It's a labor of love that they pursue behind the scenes, every single day.  And while what people are influenced by changes with the season, the unique habits of truly confident people remain constant. Their focused pursuit is driven by these habits that you can emulate and absorb:

They speak with certainty. It’s rare to hear the truly confident utter phrases such as “Um,” “I’m not sure,” and “I think.” Confident people speak assertively because they know that it’s difficult to get people to listen to you if you can’t deliver your ideas with conviction.

They seek out small victories. Confident people like to challenge themselves and compete, even when their efforts yield small victories. Small victories build new androgen receptors in the areas of the brain responsible for reward and motivation. The increase in androgen receptors increases the influence of testosterone, which further increases their confidence and eagerness to tackle future challenges. When you have a series of small victories, the boost in your confidence can last for months.

They exercise. A study conducted at the Eastern Ontario Research Institute found that people who exercised twice a week for 10 weeks felt more competent socially, academically, and athletically. They also rated their body image and self-esteem higher. Best of all, rather than the physical changes in their bodies being responsible for the uptick in confidence, it was the immediate, endorphin-fueled positivity from exercise that made all the difference.

They don't seek attention. People are turned off by those who are desperate for attention. Confident people know that being yourself is much more effective than trying to prove that you’re important. People catch on to your attitude quickly and are more attracted to the right attitude than what, or how many, people you know. Confident people always seem to bring the right attitude.

Confident people are masters of attention diffusion. When they’re receiving attention for an accomplishment, they quickly shift the focus to all the people who worked hard to help get them there. They don’t crave approval or praise because they draw their self-worth from within.

They don't pass judgment. Confident people don’t pass judgment on others because they know that everyone has something to offer, and they don’t need to take other people down a notch in order to feel good about themselves. Comparing yourself to other people is limiting. Confident people don’t waste time sizing people up and worrying about whether or not they measure up to everyone they meet.

They get their happiness from within. Happiness is a critical element of confidence, because in order to be confident in what you do, you have to be happy with who you are. People who brim with confidence derive their sense of pleasure and satisfaction from their own accomplishments, as opposed to what other people think of their accomplishments.

They listen more than they speak. People with confidence listen more than they speak because they don’t feel as though they have anything to prove. Confident people know that by actively listening and paying attention to others, they are much more likely to learn and grow. Instead of seeing interactions as opportunities to prove themselves to others, they focus on the interaction itself, because they know that this is a far more enjoyable and productive approach to people.

They take risks. When confident people see an opportunity, they take it. Instead of worrying about what could go wrong, they ask themselves, “What’s stopping me? Why can’t I do that?” and they go for it. Fear doesn’t hold them back because they know that if they never try, they will never succeed.

They aren't afraid to be wrong. Confident people aren’t afraid to be proven wrong. They like putting their opinions out there to see if they hold up because they learn a lot from the times they are wrong and other people learn from them when they’re right. Self-assured people know what they are capable of and don’t treat being wrong as a personal slight.

They celebrate other people's successes. Insecure people constantly doubt their relevance, and because of this, they try to steal the spotlight and criticize others in order to prove their worth. Confident people, on the other hand, aren’t worried about their relevance because they draw their self-worth from within. Instead of insecurely focusing inward, confident people focus outward, which allows them to see all the wonderful things that other people bring to the table. Praising people for their contributions is a natural result of this.

Bringing It All Together

Building confidence is a journey, not a destination. To become more confident you must be passionate in your pursuit of a greater future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world's leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Self-Control gives you SCARs

SELF-CONTROL gives you SCARs:

Professional SUCCESS

Freedom of CHOICE

ACHIEVEMENT of Goals

RESPECT from others

I received this email this morning which I thought was appropriate for our conversation on self-control:

On Becoming a Leader - Ch. 8 Getting People On Your Side (pp. 147 - 164)

How do we get people on our side? Isn't that necessary if we are to have the kind of influence that leads to impact? (2 of our ELI core competencies) We naturally understand that we have to have the ability to organize, motivate and direct people in order to accomplish organizational goals.

Early in the chapter, Bennis talks about Empathy (EQ Skill #8). Herb Alpert, the famous recording artist for A&M records) talked about empathy in reference to musicians: "One of the keys to dealing with artists is to be sensitive to their feelings and their needs, to give them their day in court so they can air their grievances or their brilliant ideas." To me, empathy means at a minimum: Listening. Going to the extra effort to understand. Caring. Making a place for an individuals' needs.

"I think one of the biggest turn-ons is for people to know their peers and particularly their bosses not only know they're there but know pretty intimately what they're doing and are involved with them on almost a daily basis, that it's a partnership, that you're really trying to run things well together, that if something goes wrong, our goal is to fix it, not see who we can nail," says former Lucky Stores CEO, Don Ritchey. (p. 149) Although, we know very well that many organizations aren't about fixing it, but about blaming and shaming.  Naturally, employees digress into a "CYA" mentality = self-protection. Which type of climate do you think lends itself well to trust and productivity in teams?

Our beliefs about leadership will shape how we manage others.  Do we blame? Do we feel like a partner, parent or an overlord? Do we take one for the team? Do we move into big-picture mode when there is a problem? Do we try to calm the group down so we can think clearly? Many of these actions are the result of invisible beliefs, emotions, decisions and our reactions to them.

Sydney Pollack (American filmmaker) elucidates (explains) another common management style known as "Command and Control" which uses fear to control behavior. "Up to a point, I think you can lead out of fear and intimidation, as awful as that sounds.  You can make people follow you by scaring them, and you can make people follow by having them feel obligated.  You can lead by creating guilt.  There is a lot of leadership that comes out of fear, dependence and guilt."

Command-and-Control leadership has historically been associated with military environments in which life-and-death, quick decisions must be made. Later in the year, we will look at some other types of management styles that are more fitting and effective for mature, knowledgeable teams in business environments.  There is a fine line between taking the lead and taking control. Have you mastered the art? Let's keep at it!

The chapter later shares these provocative ideas about getting people on your side (influence):

"You don't want people to follow you just because that's what they're paid for." (p. 150)

"The only power I have is the power of persuasion, or inspiration." (p. 151)

"I can have a great deal of influence just by my voice." (p. 151) Read more on using your voice for influence on page 159.

"I believe in helping people identify what they can do well and releasing them to do it." (p. 152)

"Ultimately, a leader's ability to galvanize his or her co-workers resides both in self-understanding and in understanding the co-workers' needs and wants..." (p. 155)

"They chief object of leadership is the creation of a human community held together by the work bond for a common purpose." Peter Drucker (p. 155)

On page 152, Bennis purports 4 ingredients that are required to build trust (the cornerstone of influence), with integrity being set forth as the basis of all trust.  We are going to look at this idea of trustworthiness later in the year (EQ Skill #4 Trustworthiness).  

Let's end on this final thought: "I think the first thing one has to do [in setting out to change culture] is get people on one's side and show them where you want to take the company.  Trust is vital.  People trust you when you don't play games with them, when you put everything on the table and speak honestly with them.  Even if you aren't very articulate, our intellectual honesty comes through, and people recognize that and respond positively."

What stands out to you or was meaningful in this chapter? Do you have any FIGS that emerge from reading Chapters 7 & 8?

On Becoming a Leader - Chapter 7: Moving Through Chaos (pp. 135 - 146)

Bennis opens the chapter by sharing more of his own leadership philosophy:

"Leaders are, by definition, innovators  They do things other people have not done or dare not do.  They do things in advance of other people.  They make new things.  They make old things new.  Having learned from the past, they live in the present, with one eye on the future."

And then he shares the story of Robert Abboud, the bank executive who was 'kicked around a while' but used his failures to evaluate himself and learn.  Much of this chapter is about learning from adversity.

We also get insight into Bennis's perspective on how organizational culture is shaped: "A leader imposes his/her philosophy on the organization, creating or re-creating its culture.  The organization then acts on that philosophy, carries out the mission, and the culture takes on a life of its own, becoming more cause than effect.  But unless the leader continues to evolve, to adapt and adjust to external change, the organization will sooner or later stall." (p. 137)

If you buy into Bennis's assertion on culture, you see how important the personal beliefs and behavior of organizational leaders are on the longevity and vitality of a company.  There is no room to say, "It is their fault (employees or customers or market or vendors)." Culture is shaped by the leader - and he/she must continue to evolve and adapt (Note EQ skill #6: Adaptability/Resilience).  As aspiring leaders, we must be comfortable with ambiguity...the vague, the unclear, the half-finished, the incomplete - and still make informed, expert decisions that reduce loss and waste.

As weather makes mountains, so problems make leaders.

The author then goes on to talk about the difference between a bad boss and a difficult boss - and what can be learned from them.

"Adversity has a great deal to do with the development of leaders." (p. 139)

The take away, then, can be not to expect perfect leadership from a boss, but embrace the adversity that comes from the job and less-than-perfect leadership. Learn what you can from that trial and use it to load your own leadership toolbox with technical, analytical and people skills.  Bennis concludes, "The ideal boss for a growing leader is probably a good boss with major flaws, so that one can learn all the complex lessons of what to do and what not to do simultaneously."

What do you think about Bennis's leadership conclusions in this chapter? How do you mentally manage a 'bad boss'? Who have you learned most from in a business setting? Why are certain leaders more impactful on you than others?