How Nice People
Can Master Conflict
Published on March
20, 2016
When you’re a nice
person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better
at conflict; they just enjoy it more. New research from Columbia University
shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The
researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen
firsthand—people who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their
performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too
passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.
The secret to effective handling of
conflict is assertiveness—that delicate place where you get your needs met
without bullying the other person into submission. Assertive people strike a
careful balance between passivity and aggression (that is, they never lean too
far in either direction).
How To Handle Conflict Assertively
It’s easy to think that nice people are
too passive. While that’s often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into
aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have
exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.
To be assertive, you need to learn to
engage in healthy conflict. Healthy
conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without
ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow
will get you there.
Consider the repercussions of silence. Sometimes
it’s hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that
things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully
consider the costs of not speaking up—they’re typically far greater than not
standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention
away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the
things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.
Say “and” instead of “but.” The
simple act of replacing the word “but” with “and” makes conflict much more
constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants
to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but you’re worried
that doing so won’t leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of
saying, “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we
need to make a new hire,” say “I see that you want to use the money for
marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.” The difference is subtle,
but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence
states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens
things up for discussion. Saying “and” makes the other party feel like you’re
working with them, rather than against them.
Use hypotheticals. When
you assert yourself, you don’t want it to look like you’re poking holes in
their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this
off. Telling someone, for example, “Your new product idea won’t work because
you overlooked how the sales team operates” comes across much more aggressively
than suggesting the hypothetical, “How do you think our sales team will go
about selling this new product?” When you see a flaw and present a
hypothetical, you’re engaging with the original idea and giving the other party
a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that you’re willing to hear
the other person out.
Don’t speak in absolutes (“You Always” or “You
Never.”) No one always or never does anything. People don’t see
themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such.
Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to
your message. Instead, point out what the other person did that’s a problem for
you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can
always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for
me to notice.”
Ask good questions until you get to the heart
of the matter. Failing to understand the motive behind someone’s behavior throws
fuel on the fire of conflict, because it makes everything they do appear
foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to
understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions,
such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by
that? and Can you help me to understand
this better? Even when you don’t see eye to eye, using
questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both
of which are conflict killers.
When you challenge, offer solutions. People
don’t like it when they feel as if you’re attempting to take apart their idea
right off the bat. When you challenge someone’s idea, but also offer a
solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix.
This reinforces the value of their idea, even if it’s full of holes. For
example, you might say “One potential problem that I see with your idea is ___.
However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way
to___.” In this example, you aren’t even providing the solution. You’re just
acknowledging that you’re willing to work together to find one.
